I’m a 39-year-old IIT graduate working in a Bangalore research firm alongside my wife, who was my IIT Kharagpur classmate. Before marriage, we shared a vibrant 7-year relationship filled with adventures and hiking trips. However, five years into our marriage, the dynamics have shifted dramatically. Our once-spontaneous life has become mundane, with annual trips replacing frequent adventures. Our intimate life has lost its spark, becoming mechanical.
While I deeply love my wife, I find myself struggling with unwanted fantasies about other women. Though I’ve never been unfaithful, these intrusive thoughts trigger intense guilt and are affecting my mental well-being. I’m seeking advice on managing these thoughts and possibly rekindling the excitement in my marriage. How can I control these unwanted fantasies and restore the joy in my relationship?
Dr Drona Sharma, Consultant Psychiatrist, Ireland, UK. Member of UK, Irish and Gibraltar Medical Council, has addressed this issue, giving a detailed solution to it. He says “The way you have articulated your question shows that you are able to understand things to a great extent. But here you also need expert help.”
Relationships Before Marriage
When a relationship begins before marriage, there is a kind of novelty and freedom in it. Two people are getting to know each other. They have a lot new to discover. Chemically speaking, the dopamine level is also very high in that phase of the relationship. This hormone also plays a big role in feeling excitement and happiness. Going out together, having adventures. All these things increase emotional and sexual intimacy.
How Relationships Change After Marriage
After marriage, what changes the most is the increase in responsibilities and decrease in spontaneity. Two people know and understand each other so well that everything becomes predictable. Nothing remains new. Sexual relationship changes from thrill and excitement to permanent security and comfort. Dopamine decreases and oxytocin and vasopressin hormone levels increase.
Couples stop doing the continuous adventures and investments together that are needed to maintain newness and excitement in the relationship. This creates a kind of monotony.
Sexual Fantasies: Are they normal?
Your question indicates that you have guilt about your sexual fantasies. Your subconscious brain considers it wrong. So let’s first try to decode this.
The most important thing to understand here is that sexual fantasies are a very natural part of humans’ sexual world. According to a 2018 study by American psychologist Justin Lehmiller, approximately 90% of people in committed relationships have sexual fantasies. This includes both women and men. But the most important thing to understand here is that having sexual fantasies absolutely does not mean that you are unhappy in your relationship or want to cheat. People who are maintaining their relationship with complete honesty can also have sexual fantasies.
Sexual Fantasies Level – RIFI-S Test
Having occasional fantasies is completely normal and healthy. However, their level can also indicate whether your relationship is going through a difficult phase. For this, a RIFI-S (Relationship Intimacy and Fantasy Impact Scale) test is conducted. This test helps us assess the level and severity of the situation.
I would advise you to take this test once. Answer the questions given in the graphic below with complete honesty. There are 10 questions in the graphic. You need to rate these questions on a scale of 1 to 5. 1 means you strongly disagree and 5 means you strongly agree. The interpretation of the score is also given in the graphic.
Sexual Fantasies and Guilt
Sexual fantasies are not always harmful or a sign of danger. Many studies of human behavior and psychology show that sexual fantasies also have benefits. They increase sexual desire and help maintain libido in long-term relationships.
Human mind and sexual behavior are not confined to any fixed pattern. Without variety and imagination, it would become very routine, restricted and boring. It is human nature to always explore something new. Sexual fantasies bring a kind of novelty.
You are not the first and only one who has sexual fantasies. These fantasies are very common in all societies and cultures. All humans experience it. The problem is that in our society, this is never talked about. Therefore, when such fantasies come to mind, people start feeling shame and guilt. Guilt comes from the wrong thinking that “having such thoughts means you are doing it.” When this is not true.
Self Help Plan
Here I am providing a self-help plan to improve your real-life relationship. Whether your sexual fantasies are at a normal level or beyond warning signs depends on your self-assessment test score. This plan can work for anyone who wants to improve their relationship.
First Week: Think and Accept
- Note down your fantasies in a diary. Observe what kind of needs these fantasies point towards. Such as validation, domination or feeling desired.
- Identify what is missing in your real-life relationship from those things. Like playfulness, emotional connect or spontaneity. Try to fill that gap.
- Keep revisiting old memories of relationships. Like old photos, videos, travel stories.
Second Week: Work on Physical and Emotional Intimacy
- Don’t take personal intimacy for granted. Make separate time for it and make an effort. Simple touch, eye contact, or spending some time together also increases closeness.
- Be curious about your partner’s desires, ask questions. Like “What is something we haven’t done in a long time that you miss?”
- Break the routine. Try to do something new adventurous at regular intervals. Like traveling or any adventure sport that both enjoy.
Third Week: Exploring Your Fantasies
- You can try to explore your fantasies together with your partner while making them feel safe.
- Remember, your language and approach should be very gentle and loving, making your partner feel safe. Like saying, “I was reading that partners often get stuck in boring routines. What do you think, how can we make our life more exciting and fun?”
- You can gradually start discussing shared fantasies through stories or books.
- Plan a relationship reset day. No other work that day, no screen time. Just spend time with each other.
Check your RIFI-S score a few days after doing all this. If you don’t feel any improvement, go for couple therapy.
Is it okay to share sexual fantasies with your partner?
There can’t be an ultimate answer to this question. It depends on both partners’ maturity and mutual understanding. It won’t always be appropriate to do so. If fantasies involve mutual friends, colleagues or people your partner knows about, then it’s not right to share. Doing so can create feelings of insecurity, jealousy and anger.
Sexual fantasies should only be shared when there is deep emotional security in the relationship, mutual consent, and both partners are eager and mentally-emotionally prepared to talk about and understand them.
Is it okay to keep your sexual fantasies secret?
Yes, absolutely. Every person has their own private psychological space. It is completely justified to maintain the privacy of that space and not share it with your partner, but there are some conditions to this. Such as-
- Private fantasies are not negatively affecting your real-life relationship.
- Fantasies are not causing mental-emotional distress.
- It is not creating distance in real-life relationships.
- It is not affecting real-life intimacy.
- Real-life relationship is normal and healthy.
